Ravens, Eagles, Totems, and Salmon Spit
By Ernie Witham   |   August 1, 2019

“Nice bracelet,” Pat said to the Native bus driver. “My cousin made it. For my moiety. I am an eagle. My wife is a raven.” “My wife is a Sheppard,” I said. “Sometimes that makes me feel sheepish.” He did not laugh. Neither did my wife. Or anyone else on the bus. He went on […]

Workout Blues
By Ernie Witham   |   May 23, 2019

Recently, I was describing my gym experience to some friends. “You go to the gym?”“On a regular basis.”“Really? Then you must be doing sit-downs instead of sit-ups.”“Do people get upset when you hog the five-pound weights?”“Who wakes you up when you fall asleep on the exercise mat?” It was about then I began to regret […]

 

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More from Montecito

Technological Advances?
By Ernie Witham   |   May 9, 2019

In the past, before technology invaded every aspect of our lives, you sometimes you got a lot of “personality” at the check-out stand.  “Well how are you today? My sciatica is acting up. Not easy standing here all day. My new daughter-in-law has a desk job. Makes more money in a week than I make […]

The Aunts Go Marching Two by Two…
By Ernie Witham   |   March 28, 2019

Where I come from my parents’ female siblings were my aunts. Pronounced ahnt, not ant. So, when I first moved here and someone told me her ant just got a new car, I laughed. And when another person told me his ant just moved into a retirement home, I really busted up. But when a […]

Let it Rain, Let it Rain, Let it Rain!
By Ernie Witham   |   March 14, 2019

I learned a lot of new terms when I moved to Santa Barbara in 1977. I got a job at a small medical manufacturing company on lower Chapala called Browne Corporation. (Thank you Larry and Sue Browne. I’m forever grateful for taking a chance a on a long-haired bumpkin from New Hampshire who said things […]

A Chicken in Every Pot and a Car Outside Every Garage
By Ernie Witham   |   February 14, 2019

There are some words a husband never wants to hear his wife say, like: “I’ve decided we should go vegan. Here is your lettuce-wrapped mushroom burger and beet fries.” Or: “Why is there a charge on this credit card from the Spearmint Rhino?” Or, worse, “I think it’s time to clean out the garage again.” […]

Conquering the Narrows
By Ernie Witham   |   January 24, 2019

Occasionally, I find myself in a position that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight could have used a bit more forethought. For some reason these positions often involve water. Like the time I decided to jump off a roof and into Lake Winnipesaukee at Weirs Beach in Laconia, New Hampshire […]

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Utah, Land of the Gasp
By Ernie Witham   |   January 10, 2019

I love a good excuse. “Why can’t you go to the store?” “Be-cause-ah, dear, my bad front tire could blow and sound like a gunshot. Then the police would show up and I could get arrested for creating a disturbance and be put in a damp jail cell where I could catch pneumonia and die.” […]

Cleanliness is Next to Buddha-ness
By Ernie Witham   |   May 17, 2018

“Are you chewing gum?!” Pat asked. “Hai!” I said, using one of the many (three) Japanese words I knew. We were standing next to The Great Buddha of Kamakura “Daibutsu”, the largest outdoor Buddha in Japan. Built in 1252, the 44-foot-tall, 121-ton seated Buddha draws more tourists than the world’s largest ball of saved wire […]

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Spring is in the Air, Along with Other Stuff
By Ernie Witham   |   April 5, 2018

I’m not sure how my bonsai trees talked me into it, but recently I spent $12.49 on something called Fish & Poop. Manufactured in Fresno, the city famous for its tasty raisins, Fish & Poop is listed as “a blend of fish-based nutrients and guano which forms a synergistic matrix that develops a cohesive partnership […]

I Can See Kinda Clearly Now…
By Ernie Witham   |   March 15, 2018

“Have you seen my glasses?” “Unbelievable. You’re always losing them!”  It’s true. I have three pair and some days I can’t find any of them. “Here they are,” Pat said, returning from the back patio. “Those are my reading glasses. I need my distance glasses if I have to go… I mean, because I want […]

Using My Teaching Skills
By Ernie Witham   |   March 1, 2018

I love kids. And fortunately, they seem to like me okay, too. Which is good, because between my wife, Pat and I, we have five children, four grandchildren and one granddog that I love teaching new tricks. “Roll over, no? Sit, no? Shake, no? How about lay there like a lump? Yeah!” And now, I […]

Happy Super Bowl to You!
By Ernie Witham   |   February 8, 2018

I love my wife more than I love football. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I also love the family more than I love football. Another point you need to understand. Finally, I love family events, such as birthday parties, specifically my wife Pat‘s birthday party, more than I love football. That almost […]

Tokyo or not Tokyo, that is the question
By Ernie Witham   |   January 11, 2018

“Hi, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “How do you say, ‘My name is Ernie…?’” “I don’t. My name is Siri.” “You didn’t let me finish, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “I need to know how to say my name…” “I found this website with names.” “…In Japanese. We are going to […]

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