Love, love me do. Pleeaassee!
By Ernie Witham   |   November 26, 2019

“How was your experience in men’s underwear?” The email asked. “Were you a) delighted with your purchase b) kind of giddy c) blasé d) not so giddy or e) totally disenfranchised? Your immediate response is requested.” This was about the tenth follow-up I had received from recent shopping excursions. Seems like every time I buy […]

Beautiful London Fog
By Ernie Witham   |   October 1, 2019

I’ve spent a good part of my life in a fog. In my brief stint as a Hippie, the fog was often associated with the inhalation of marijuana or as we referred to it then – grass. Sometimes I think it actually was grass we purchased. “Is that a dandelion?” “Might be. You feel anything […]

 

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More from Montecito

Buonasera!… again… and again…
By Ernie Witham   |   September 19, 2019

Turn right,” Jeeves, our Garmin GPS told us. Right would have taken us over the cliff. “Jeeves is lost,” I said.  “Swell,” Pat, who was driving, said. We were trying to get back to the tiny Tuscan village of Castiglione d’Orcia where we were renting an Airbnb just inside the Porta, the entrance into the […]

The Wilds of the Inland Passageway
By Ernie Witham   |   September 12, 2019

Cold?” Jackie pointed at the overhead heaters in the solarium ceiling on the back of the Alaskan ferry, Columbia. “With those things on the other night I felt like a French fry.” We had met Jackie earlier at breakfast. It was so crowded we had to sit at the counter. A young construction guy beside […]

A Whale of a Time
By Ernie Witham   |   August 29, 2019

I was watching an extremely large man from one of the five (yes, five) cruise ships that were in port in Juneau, Alaska. The man was having trouble fitting through the door on a floatplane and two young workers were using their shoulders to gently aid his boarding. The man was wearing black shorts that […]

Ravens, Eagles, Totems, and Salmon Spit
By Ernie Witham   |   August 1, 2019

“Nice bracelet,” Pat said to the Native bus driver. “My cousin made it. For my moiety. I am an eagle. My wife is a raven.” “My wife is a Sheppard,” I said. “Sometimes that makes me feel sheepish.” He did not laugh. Neither did my wife. Or anyone else on the bus. He went on […]

Salmon, Fjords, and Bears, Oh My!
By Ernie Witham   |   July 18, 2019

Did you ever eat at a restaurant where your breakfast came so fast you barely had time to unwrap your utensils? Well, it wasn’t in Ketchikan, Alaska! I was on my eighth coffee refill, babbling on about the anxieties of airline travel, like when you get to your gate and they announce your airplane is […]

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More TV Or Not More TV: That is the Question
By Ernie Witham   |   June 20, 2019

We don’t watch much TV, so we have a bare-bones cable package. We get the basic networks, some Spanish-speaking soap operas that involve a lot of yelling and scantily-clad women, and about 16 shopping channels all with excited people that probably “just barely” failed their screen tests for action shows, but who now dramatically sell […]

Let it Rain, Let it Rain, Let it Rain!
By Ernie Witham   |   March 14, 2019

I learned a lot of new terms when I moved to Santa Barbara in 1977. I got a job at a small medical manufacturing company on lower Chapala called Browne Corporation. (Thank you Larry and Sue Browne. I’m forever grateful for taking a chance a on a long-haired bumpkin from New Hampshire who said things […]

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A Chicken in Every Pot and a Car Outside Every Garage
By Ernie Witham   |   February 14, 2019

There are some words a husband never wants to hear his wife say, like: “I’ve decided we should go vegan. Here is your lettuce-wrapped mushroom burger and beet fries.” Or: “Why is there a charge on this credit card from the Spearmint Rhino?” Or, worse, “I think it’s time to clean out the garage again.” […]