A Season Cliffhanger
By Ernie Witham   |   June 10, 2021

Early on in the drive, I was thinking I should have brought my thermal underwear. And my gloves. Now I was thinking I should have upped my life insurance. “There’s no one behind us. You don’t have to go too fast.” “I’m doing 20 miles per hour,” Pat said, without turning her head. Her knuckles […]

Come On, Baby, Do the Mashed Potato
By Ernie Witham   |   December 3, 2020

No doubt, this year we have had the stuffing knocked out of us. The coronavirus squashed any hopes of a normal year. The economy sank like a lead gravy boat. And we had a turkey in the…  “Wait. Are you really going to make us suffer through a Thanksgiving pun column?”  “Of course not, dear. […]

 

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More from Montecito

Who Was That Masked Man?
By Ernie Witham   |   November 12, 2020

I have a new respect for superheroes, bandits, and anyone else who wears a mask for a living. For one thing, it’s not easy to smell things while wearing a mask, which is probably a good thing for those performing gastro-intestinal surgery. For the rest of us just trying to keep COVID-19 out, we miss […]

Feeling Rakish This Fall?
By Ernie Witham   |   October 21, 2020

Many people laughed when President Trump suggested that the way to stop wildfires in California was to rake the forests. I had a different reaction. My hands instantly got blisters, my lower back felt strained, and my butt hurt like hell. I grew up in the heart of the fall foliage spectacle. Every year the […]

Simple Birthdays? Nay, we say.
By Ernie Witham   |   September 24, 2020

Our family spends more time planning birthdays than some people spend reading presidential briefs… it’s been said… by many, many, fine folks. We’ve had choreographed dance-offs, whereas we all stand in a large circle and someone does a dance move. The next person has to duplicate it or get eliminated. Out of pity they let […]

Grandchildren Keep Us Young. If We Survive.
By Ernie Witham   |   August 20, 2020

“Ernie?… Ernie?… Ernie?… Ernie?…” “Sorry, can’t play right now, Jack.” “Why?” “Because I have some writing to do.” “Why?” “It’s for my column?” “What’s a column?” “About 700 words.” I laughed. Jack didn’t. “My column for the Montecito Journal is due. I have an allotted space to fill.” “What’s a lotta space to fill?” “About […]

An Apple Computer a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
By Ernie Witham   |   July 16, 2020

Per instructions, I moved my face really close to my computer monitor. “Look into my eyes,” the doctor said. Was she going to hypnotize me? Make me cluck like a chicken? “I just want to watch your eye movements to rule out a few things.” “I can roll them around in a circle. Watch.” “Ah, […]

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Walk On. And On. And On…
By Ernie Witham   |   May 21, 2020

Not much opportunity for exercise right now. Gyms are closed. Yoga classes are cancelled. Swing dance lessons have gone dark… “Oh, ah, umpf. Someone turn on the dang lights willya?” So, we head to the great outdoors and we walk until our motivation starts to wane. “You can do it. Just pretend there is a […]

Road Trip, Hawaiian Style
By Ernie Witham   |   February 27, 2020

My wife hesitated at a puddle of unknown depth at the former Kahuku Sugar Mill parking lot, which is now a series of small restaurants and food trucks that cater mainly to the surfing crowd at North Shore on Oahu. “This thing could cross a raging river,” I said. “The rental company might charge us […]

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The Route of my Roots
By Ernie Witham   |   February 6, 2020

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the route of my roots. Not the many weird routes I have taken in life to get from my New Hampshire roots to where I am rooted today. I don’t have a lot of regretful “routes not taken.” I think I stumbled about amazingly. “I’m in California? Really? […]

Lessons in Lifelong Learning
By Ernie Witham   |   January 30, 2020

After six years of high school, I figured there was nothing else to learn. (Just kidding… it only took me five years to graduate.) But I was wrong. Soon I got a job and found I needed new skills. “So, I won’t be needing Algebra or English Lit?” “No, and you probably won’t need your […]

The Evolution of My Resolutions
By Ernie Witham   |   January 9, 2020

I made my first New Year’s resolution when I was five years old. I promised myself that if I passed kindergarten I would try much harder in first grade. I knew I was flunking nap because I was worried once I dozed off that Tommy kid with the devious freckles would crayon my cheeks red […]

Having a Holly Jolly Time?
By Ernie Witham   |   December 26, 2019

I looked over my shoulder at the car behind me to see if he would kindly backup. The driver of that car was looking over his shoulder at the car behind him with the same thought. The third driver back started to reverse but stopped when another car pulled in behind him. Ahead of us […]

Screaming While Streaming
By Ernie Witham   |   December 8, 2019

I pressed the microphone icon on the Apple TV remote and said with emphasis: “Siri. Turn. Off. Voiceover.” Siri responded in text on the screen: “Voiceover is already off.” I chuckled. “I can still hear it Siri. Listen.” I pressed play and the detective series Bosch came on. There was a bit of clever dialog […]

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