Summertime and the Living is Freezing
By Ernie Witham   |   September 14, 2021

“Holy ice cubes, Batman,” I said, as a breeze wafted its way up my shorts. “Fifty-seven degrees?” my wife said. “It was in the 70s when we left Oakland Hills.” “Guess it’s like Mark Twain said: ‘The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.’” “Experts claim that Mark Twain never actually […]

A Pain in the Neck
By Ernie Witham   |   January 28, 2021

For five nights, my wife and I slept in the guestroom, while relatives slept in our room. “This bed is too hard. My back is killing me,” Pat said. “How are you holding up?” I could have said: “Fine. You probably just slept wrong.” Instead I said: “My neck’s a bit sore.” Two days later […]

 

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Pinterest-aholic
By Ernie Witham   |   January 7, 2021

Hi. My name is Ernie…  “Hi Ernie!”  …and I am a Pinterest-aholic. It has been 12 days, 5 hours, and 31 minutes since my last Pinterest purchase. (Light applause.) Thank you.  Funny, I remember a few years back when they predicted that we would all be shopping online in the future. I scoffed at this. […]

Come On, Baby, Do the Mashed Potato
By Ernie Witham   |   December 3, 2020

No doubt, this year we have had the stuffing knocked out of us. The coronavirus squashed any hopes of a normal year. The economy sank like a lead gravy boat. And we had a turkey in the…  “Wait. Are you really going to make us suffer through a Thanksgiving pun column?”  “Of course not, dear. […]

Who Was That Masked Man?
By Ernie Witham   |   November 12, 2020

I have a new respect for superheroes, bandits, and anyone else who wears a mask for a living. For one thing, it’s not easy to smell things while wearing a mask, which is probably a good thing for those performing gastro-intestinal surgery. For the rest of us just trying to keep COVID-19 out, we miss […]

Feeling Rakish This Fall?
By Ernie Witham   |   October 21, 2020

Many people laughed when President Trump suggested that the way to stop wildfires in California was to rake the forests. I had a different reaction. My hands instantly got blisters, my lower back felt strained, and my butt hurt like hell. I grew up in the heart of the fall foliage spectacle. Every year the […]

Simple Birthdays? Nay, we say.
By Ernie Witham   |   September 24, 2020

Our family spends more time planning birthdays than some people spend reading presidential briefs… it’s been said… by many, many, fine folks. We’ve had choreographed dance-offs, whereas we all stand in a large circle and someone does a dance move. The next person has to duplicate it or get eliminated. Out of pity they let […]

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Grandchildren Keep Us Young. If We Survive.
By Ernie Witham   |   August 20, 2020

“Ernie?… Ernie?… Ernie?… Ernie?…” “Sorry, can’t play right now, Jack.” “Why?” “Because I have some writing to do.” “Why?” “It’s for my column?” “What’s a column?” “About 700 words.” I laughed. Jack didn’t. “My column for the Montecito Journal is due. I have an allotted space to fill.” “What’s a lotta space to fill?” “About […]

Three Women and a Condo
By Ernie Witham   |   March 26, 2020

I leaned over the small round Dot with the pulsating ring of light. She was breathing rhythmically. Waiting for me. Waiting to hear my most domineering voice command her to do my bidding. “Alexa… my love… play ‘I Am the Walrus’ from the Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour album. Full volume.” “Playing ‘I Am the Walrus,’” […]

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Happy B-Day/V-Day… I Pray
By Ernie Witham   |   March 5, 2020

After about a decade of marriage, I came to the realization that my wife has a birthday every year. That was also about the time she told me that I had given her the same humorous birthday card four of those years in a row. She also showed me the three “unique” heart necklaces with […]

Road Trip, Hawaiian Style
By Ernie Witham   |   February 27, 2020

My wife hesitated at a puddle of unknown depth at the former Kahuku Sugar Mill parking lot, which is now a series of small restaurants and food trucks that cater mainly to the surfing crowd at North Shore on Oahu. “This thing could cross a raging river,” I said. “The rental company might charge us […]

The Route of my Roots
By Ernie Witham   |   February 6, 2020

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the route of my roots. Not the many weird routes I have taken in life to get from my New Hampshire roots to where I am rooted today. I don’t have a lot of regretful “routes not taken.” I think I stumbled about amazingly. “I’m in California? Really? […]

Lessons in Lifelong Learning
By Ernie Witham   |   January 30, 2020

After six years of high school, I figured there was nothing else to learn. (Just kidding… it only took me five years to graduate.) But I was wrong. Soon I got a job and found I needed new skills. “So, I won’t be needing Algebra or English Lit?” “No, and you probably won’t need your […]

The Evolution of My Resolutions
By Ernie Witham   |   January 9, 2020

I made my first New Year’s resolution when I was five years old. I promised myself that if I passed kindergarten I would try much harder in first grade. I knew I was flunking nap because I was worried once I dozed off that Tommy kid with the devious freckles would crayon my cheeks red […]

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