Someone asked me in my humor workshop once, what attributes are needed to come up with columns on a regular basis. I told them it helps to be a klutz, because pain plus time plus distance equals humor. I also told them it really pays to have insurance. Another great thing about being uncoordinated, I […]
We were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Like Polynesian voyagers hundreds of years ago, using crude navigational methods like following flocks of tired, hungry birds… Hoe maui, kore matau, kahore maui (“paddle left, no right, no left” in Maori”)… we were heading for the last large habitable landmass, New Zealand (not […]
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I know a lot of you have “sheep shearing” high on your bucket list. Totally understandable. We all want to see where those twenty-bucks-a-pair Bombas socks come from. And, of course, the origins of our beloved shag carpets. A great place to witness our wooly friends becoming unwooly is New Zealand, a country with far […]
The sign said “Old Faithful” with an arrow pointing straight ahead toward a surreal, steamy landscape with benches where hundreds of people waited. Pat, my “faithful wife” said: “I’ll just jump out here and save you a seat.” By the time I found a parking spot and hiked back she said: “You missed it.” We’d […]
It was raining hard for our first-ever Grand Teton paddle boat ride down the Snake River. “Put on your safety vests,” Guide Steve told us. “If you fall in, remember: nose and toes up. If you try to stand, your feet could get stuck between rocks and you’ll drown. Had a photographer recently, following the […]
About a hundred years ago – or so it seems – I worked. Oops, put the period in there too soon. I meant… I worked in manufacturing making knitting needles in Laconia, New Hampshire. It was a darn good job. You’re probably picturing large needles used for making baby blankets for that new niece, and […]
Throngs of people, er, dozens of people, er, okay one person in my humor workshop once asked me what skills it takes to be a humor writer. I leaned back and thought a while. “Excuse me, are you sleeping?” “Huh? Oh, ah, no, of course not, ha-ha, it’s one of the skills required for all […]
Many years ago, in a land far, far away (New Hampshire), one of my neighbors told me that the reason his yard was so healthy was that he talked to his plants every day. I laughed. “Do they talk back?” I asked. “Ayup,” he said. I went home, locked the front door, and said to […]
Except for the overly loud, vapor-spewing Southwest jets, flying-lesson prop planes doing multiple touch-and-goes, and that obnoxious Osprey that sounds like two helicopters in a weird sexual entanglement, it’s nice being close to Santa Barbara Airport. Even though we had a 6:23 am flight, we knew we could be at the airport in less than […]
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There are days when the most exciting things my wife and I do are Wordle… “Got it in four.” Ha! I got it in three.” Well, just wait until tomorrow.” Dispense boxes of cereal into their new “ant-proof” plastic vaults… “Raisin Bran done.” “Check.” “Special K done.” “Check.” “Cheerios… ah, dang. Broom.” “Check.” And maybe […]
Watching the Paris Olympics has really inspired me, especially the swimming and diving events. “O-M-G! Are you wearing a Speedo?” my wife asked, a small hunk of baguette falling from the corner of her mouth. “Cool huh? Got it from the ‘Old Dudes Rule’ website. It’s a limited edition.” “Very limited. And, I hate to […]
I spend a lot of time alone in my office. It gives me time to contemplate the oddities of life. Like why my printer suddenly refused to print the workshop materials I needed to bring to the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. No matter how calmly I coaxed it – “You stupid #%&^#*^%#! I ought to […]
When I first moved to California, I met a bunch of friendly people my own age who lovingly indoctrinated me into local customs. “Welcome to Santa Barbara. Let’s do some shots. Now, lick the salt off your hand, down this tequila, suck a lime, and say ‘hootah.’” Gasp. “Hootah!” Gasp. Turns out, these ancient local […]
That surely can’t be it I thought, as we walked across the tarmac toward a Volkswagen Beetle on skis with a long purple tail and a spinning propeller on top! Oh, and NO doors! I looked at Pat. She was zipping up her sweatshirt and adjusting the flotation device strapped around her waist… “We will […]
