No Doors? No Problem…
By Ernie Witham   |   March 19, 2024

That surely can’t be it I thought, as we walked across the tarmac toward a Volkswagen Beetle on skis with a long purple tail and a spinning propeller on top! Oh, and NO doors! I looked at Pat. She was zipping up her sweatshirt and adjusting the flotation device strapped around her waist… “We will […]

Walking the Walk and Talking the Walk
By Ernie Witham   |   October 10, 2023

After my first date with an attractive young woman named Pat, she told a friend that she’d never met a guy who talked as much as I did! My strategy was to regale her with as many stories about myself as I could think of in hopes that something I said was clever and endearing. […]


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More from Montecito

Glass Ceilings, Glass Floors, Wine, and Hot Dogs
By Ernie Witham   |   August 15, 2023

“Wow, what a view, huh?” my wife said. “Nice,” I said, leaning against the wall as far away from the tall glass panels that slanted outward at a disturbing angle and had a gap on either side large enough to put your arm through. A family walked by, a little kid climbed up onto the […]

Lots of Cones, but No Ice Cream
By Ernie Witham   |   July 11, 2023

I was at my computer looking at one of the local online news services when I spotted an exciting headline. “There’s no construction scheduled on Hollister Ave. today,” I yelled to my wife. Pat ran into the kitchen and grabbed the car keys. “To the waterfront for lunch and ice cream,” she said in a […]

Writing with Chatty
By Ernie Witham   |   May 16, 2023

With ChatGPT Funny, I always thought of myself as having artificial intelligence. Maybe it’s because people often say to me: “Come on, man. Get real!” But I needed a quick column, and I heard great things about ChatGPT, a bot that processes language to create human-like dialog, so I signed up and typed into ChatGPT: […]

Where’s Ernie? Noah to be Seen
By Ernie Witham   |   April 4, 2023

It finally arrived! Freighter delays, they said. Lack of experienced labor. Cost overruns. Sound familiar? But a giant truck pulled up in front of our condo today and delivered my IKEA easy-to-assemble, all-parts-included, fully-illustrated-plans-provided… ark. That’s right! I’m going to save the world from the great flood! Or, at least a few hundred people from […]

Getting Into History
By Ernie Witham   |   February 21, 2023

There are several things I dread hearing when I’m on a docent-led excursion. “If anyone here is acrophobic, you may want to reconsider today’s steep hike up Mountain Goat Trail.” Or… “If anyone here is aquaphobic, you may want to skip the kayak experience down ‘Devil’s Muse Rapids.’” But I wasn’t worried today. We were […]

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  • Van Gogh, Canals, and Cannabis, Oh My!
    By Ernie Witham   |   December 20, 2022

    Seems like there was always a guy in Dam Square in front of the Royal Palace with a microphone.  In our three days in Amsterdam, we had watched a group of protesters freely protesting their lack of protesting rights. A drunken magician, who spent more time cursing out the crowd than actually performing tricks. And […]

    Getting There is Half, a Quarter, Hardly Any of the Fun
    By Ernie Witham   |   August 2, 2022

    Our plane from LAX to Charlotte was late. “We will begin boarding as soon as the arriving passengers are off the plane,” the gate attendant announced. “What’s the holdup?” I asked. Before he could answer, the scheduled departure time advanced by 30 minutes. “It needs to taxi to the gate… as soon as it actually […]


    It’s Illegal in Alaska…
    By Ernie Witham   |   June 28, 2022

    …to drop a moose from an airplane. Seriously! It’s the law. Apparently, the Moose Union is strong up north and parachutes are not. How did this law come about you may wonder? Years ago, a small town in Alaska came up with a contest that involved painting a bunch of moose poo(s?), putting numbers on […]

    Pat and Ernie’s Wild Ride
    By Ernie Witham   |   May 17, 2022

    …proceed to the route… proceed to the route… proceed to the route. I took out my gun and I shot Siri. “Actually, it’s against the rental car company’s policy to shoot holes in the dashboard,” my wife informed me. “According to page 15 of the rental form, they charge extra for that.” I looked at […]

    A (Mostly) Truthful Tall Tale
    By Ernie Witham   |   April 5, 2022

    I’ve always wanted to be taller – I still remember getting measured for my high school graduation robe. “Five feet, eleven and three-quarters inch,” the gown guy yelled out to the gown sizing note taker. “Come on,” I said. “Put me down for six feet, willya?” But no. Gown measuring administrators take their measurements seriously. […]

    Looking for the Best Pot
    By Ernie Witham   |   March 15, 2022

    Bonsai pot, that is.  I gave up the other kind of pot when my last lava lamp died. “Dude, Check it out. I think it’s just as groovy when it doesn’t do anything.” “Righteous.” I sold all my bongs at a yard sale. “Excuse me, did you use reverse osmosis water in this one or […]

    Live Well. Laugh Often.
    By Ernie Witham   |   February 15, 2022

    I was staring blankly at a shelf in the garage. I’d been on a quest for something when I left the house some 15 steps earlier, but my mind stopped working at about step 12. I moved some boxes around for inspiration. That’s when I found the Monopoly game. It was an early edition. Still […]