Tag archives: humor
I occupy a very particular demographic; balding older men who don’t know how awful they look in skinny jeans. We are many. It’s nearly an epidemic. A teary woman in the Vons’ parking lot shakily pointed her finger at me and used the word “plague,” which I thought was going a bit far. And for […]
I decided to buy the latest iPhone. Mine was so old that Siri could no longer remember stuff. “Siri, where’s a good place to get a burger and fries.” “Hi Eddie. I’d suggest Howard Johnson’s.” “I think they went out of business.” “Whoa! Don’t tell President Nixon. He loves their sarsaparilla.” So, off I went […]
Our glowering POTUS has wrecked all our excited rumormongering with the usual blunt force. Isn’t it in the interest of a benevolent despot to keep his cards close to the vest? Promulgate an air of mystery? I suppose after all these years of having been enslaved by the deep state we should be grateful for […]
Okay, my version probably won’t do well on the hip-hop music charts, but I think it will resonate with some readers on the hip-lumbar charts. It all started one morning at breakfast when my wife said: “My back is killing me.” Being a sympathetic guy, I suggested she call the police and report a sacroiliac […]
“Pass the salt, willya?” “I swear if you keep using that much salt, you won’t live to see 130,” my wife told me. “I hope you’re wrong. I want to see the great-great grandkids graduate.” I cleared my throat. “Oh no, you’re not going to sing again are you?” I strummed my air guitar. “Imagine […]
Except for the overly loud, vapor-spewing Southwest jets, flying-lesson prop planes doing multiple touch-and-goes, and that obnoxious Osprey that sounds like two helicopters in a weird sexual entanglement, it’s nice being close to Santa Barbara Airport. Even though we had a 6:23 am flight, we knew we could be at the airport in less than […]
My friend and I meet one evening at a seafood place – one of those enormous restaurant/bars with maritime junk hung all over the place in case you forget the theme. Tonight it is thronged and seething, the dank air heavy with excited human congress. The World Series is hollering out of a dozen enormous […]
There are days when the most exciting things my wife and I do are Wordle… “Got it in four.” Ha! I got it in three.” Well, just wait until tomorrow.” Dispense boxes of cereal into their new “ant-proof” plastic vaults… “Raisin Bran done.” “Check.” “Special K done.” “Check.” “Cheerios… ah, dang. Broom.” “Check.” And maybe […]
In its attempt to reconcile General Relativity with the quantum mechanical environment, supergravity places an upper limit on the number of dimensions at 11. Crazy sounding? You betcha. What we really want to avoid, though, is that not-uncommon confusion that believes Supergravity has some meaningful intersection with the Minimal Supersymmetric Standard Model. Yeah, as IF. […]
Watching the Paris Olympics has really inspired me, especially the swimming and diving events. “O-M-G! Are you wearing a Speedo?” my wife asked, a small hunk of baguette falling from the corner of her mouth. “Cool huh? Got it from the ‘Old Dudes Rule’ website. It’s a limited edition.” “Very limited. And, I hate to […]
I spend a lot of time alone in my office. It gives me time to contemplate the oddities of life. Like why my printer suddenly refused to print the workshop materials I needed to bring to the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. No matter how calmly I coaxed it – “You stupid #%&^#*^%#! I ought to […]
No, it’s not an oxymoron – though it almost sounds like it. We tend to associate the making of a will with thoughts about what is to happen after we are no longer around – i.e. when we are not living. But the “living will” is apparently a new concept in jurisprudence and in medicine. […]
When I first moved to California, I met a bunch of friendly people my own age who lovingly indoctrinated me into local customs. “Welcome to Santa Barbara. Let’s do some shots. Now, lick the salt off your hand, down this tequila, suck a lime, and say ‘hootah.’” Gasp. “Hootah!” Gasp. Turns out, these ancient local […]
That surely can’t be it I thought, as we walked across the tarmac toward a Volkswagen Beetle on skis with a long purple tail and a spinning propeller on top! Oh, and NO doors! I looked at Pat. She was zipping up her sweatshirt and adjusting the flotation device strapped around her waist… “We will […]
You may have heard about the crazy theory some people have – that the entire Universe rests on the back of a gigantic turtle. A skeptical interviewer supposedly asked one such believer, “Then what is the turtle standing on – another turtle?” Back came the reply, “You can’t catch me there – It’s turtles all […]
Brian Regan has been doing comedy for decades, dating back to The Tonight Show in the last month of Johnny Carson’s tenure (when he “got the couch” as they used to say) to regular appearances with Jimmy Fallon. He’s put out several popular albums, made eight stand-up specials for major streamers and, most recently, co-starred […]
The River Jordan is celebrated in many “spiritual” songs. Most of us have heard lines like: Jordan river blessed but cold – Chills the body, but not the soul. “Crossing Jordan” has long been seen as a metaphor for going to Heaven. It all goes back to the Biblical account of that River having to be […]
The Marjorie Luke Theatre is marking its 20th anniversary this year, and the celebration launches February 3 with a visit from a humorist and writer whose current job can boast even more longevity. Peter Sagal has been hosting the weekly NPR News quiz show Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! almost since its inception a quarter-century ago, […]
One of the most famous of all historical events was the assassination of Julius Caesar in 44 B.C. The killers were a group of men whom Caesar had considered his friends and supporters. The leader of this conspiracy, whose name was Brutus, is said to have been the last to deliver the fatal blow. And […]
Although I have officially been a Doctor of Philosophy in American History for many years, it was only recently that I got interested in reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin. This came about through reading another book, Winston Churchill’s History of the English Speaking People, which makes a big point about how important the Uncle Tom book […]
