Tag archives: Ernie Witham
We took the table in the corner looking out. It’s not because I’m worried about East Coast Mafioso figures coming to rub me out, or DEA agents wondering why I smell like a hemp field on fire (those days are but a mere pipe dream now), it’s just that I like to observe the everyday […]
After I needed help getting out of our sagging couch for the umpteenth time, I said yes to my wife’s suggestion we shop for a new one. This was not easy for me. I’m a big believer in longevity, super glue and duct tape. When Pat and I got married one stipulation was that none […]
The song goes something like… “Though April showers may come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May.” Obviously, that’s an eastern song. In Santa Barbara it’s more like… “Though February deluges may fill our needs, in March we’re stuck with hella weeds.” I have bonsai trees. This being repotting season, I’m taking […]
We were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Like Polynesian voyagers hundreds of years ago, using crude navigational methods like following flocks of tired, hungry birds… Hoe maui, kore matau, kahore maui (“paddle left, no right, no left” in Maori”)… we were heading for the last large habitable landmass, New Zealand (not […]
The sign said “Old Faithful” with an arrow pointing straight ahead toward a surreal, steamy landscape with benches where hundreds of people waited. Pat, my “faithful wife” said: “I’ll just jump out here and save you a seat.” By the time I found a parking spot and hiked back she said: “You missed it.” We’d […]
It was raining hard for our first-ever Grand Teton paddle boat ride down the Snake River. “Put on your safety vests,” Guide Steve told us. “If you fall in, remember: nose and toes up. If you try to stand, your feet could get stuck between rocks and you’ll drown. Had a photographer recently, following the […]
About a hundred years ago – or so it seems – I worked. Oops, put the period in there too soon. I meant… I worked in manufacturing making knitting needles in Laconia, New Hampshire. It was a darn good job. You’re probably picturing large needles used for making baby blankets for that new niece, and […]
Throngs of people, er, dozens of people, er, okay one person in my humor workshop once asked me what skills it takes to be a humor writer. I leaned back and thought a while. “Excuse me, are you sleeping?” “Huh? Oh, ah, no, of course not, ha-ha, it’s one of the skills required for all […]
Many years ago, in a land far, far away (New Hampshire), one of my neighbors told me that the reason his yard was so healthy was that he talked to his plants every day. I laughed. “Do they talk back?” I asked. “Ayup,” he said. I went home, locked the front door, and said to […]
I decided to buy the latest iPhone. Mine was so old that Siri could no longer remember stuff. “Siri, where’s a good place to get a burger and fries.” “Hi Eddie. I’d suggest Howard Johnson’s.” “I think they went out of business.” “Whoa! Don’t tell President Nixon. He loves their sarsaparilla.” So, off I went […]
Okay, my version probably won’t do well on the hip-hop music charts, but I think it will resonate with some readers on the hip-lumbar charts. It all started one morning at breakfast when my wife said: “My back is killing me.” Being a sympathetic guy, I suggested she call the police and report a sacroiliac […]
“Pass the salt, willya?” “I swear if you keep using that much salt, you won’t live to see 130,” my wife told me. “I hope you’re wrong. I want to see the great-great grandkids graduate.” I cleared my throat. “Oh no, you’re not going to sing again are you?” I strummed my air guitar. “Imagine […]
Except for the overly loud, vapor-spewing Southwest jets, flying-lesson prop planes doing multiple touch-and-goes, and that obnoxious Osprey that sounds like two helicopters in a weird sexual entanglement, it’s nice being close to Santa Barbara Airport. Even though we had a 6:23 am flight, we knew we could be at the airport in less than […]
There are days when the most exciting things my wife and I do are Wordle… “Got it in four.” Ha! I got it in three.” Well, just wait until tomorrow.” Dispense boxes of cereal into their new “ant-proof” plastic vaults… “Raisin Bran done.” “Check.” “Special K done.” “Check.” “Cheerios… ah, dang. Broom.” “Check.” And maybe […]
Watching the Paris Olympics has really inspired me, especially the swimming and diving events. “O-M-G! Are you wearing a Speedo?” my wife asked, a small hunk of baguette falling from the corner of her mouth. “Cool huh? Got it from the ‘Old Dudes Rule’ website. It’s a limited edition.” “Very limited. And, I hate to […]
I spend a lot of time alone in my office. It gives me time to contemplate the oddities of life. Like why my printer suddenly refused to print the workshop materials I needed to bring to the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. No matter how calmly I coaxed it – “You stupid #%&^#*^%#! I ought to […]
When I first moved to California, I met a bunch of friendly people my own age who lovingly indoctrinated me into local customs. “Welcome to Santa Barbara. Let’s do some shots. Now, lick the salt off your hand, down this tequila, suck a lime, and say ‘hootah.’” Gasp. “Hootah!” Gasp. Turns out, these ancient local […]
That surely can’t be it I thought, as we walked across the tarmac toward a Volkswagen Beetle on skis with a long purple tail and a spinning propeller on top! Oh, and NO doors! I looked at Pat. She was zipping up her sweatshirt and adjusting the flotation device strapped around her waist… “We will […]
Many times in life I have gone virtually unnoticed. Not only could I stay safely under the radar, I could have set up camp inside a radar dish and only gotten spotted when I fired up my charcoal grill. “O. M. G. There’s a flaming meteor about to hit earth… ah crap, never mind it’s […]
This year, X-mas, formerly known as Twitter-mas, is “almost” failure-proof for me. How is that possible you readers of my Christmases past, want to know? Simple, three wise men (actually, it was my stepdaughter, Christy) proclaimed that the only gift required this year is one white elephant gift! For those of you unfamiliar with the […]
