Tag archives: Ernie Witham
Many years ago, in a land far, far away (New Hampshire), one of my neighbors told me that the reason his yard was so healthy was that he talked to his plants every day. I laughed. “Do they talk back?” I asked. “Ayup,” he said. I went home, locked the front door, and said to […]
I decided to buy the latest iPhone. Mine was so old that Siri could no longer remember stuff. “Siri, where’s a good place to get a burger and fries.” “Hi Eddie. I’d suggest Howard Johnson’s.” “I think they went out of business.” “Whoa! Don’t tell President Nixon. He loves their sarsaparilla.” So, off I went […]
Okay, my version probably won’t do well on the hip-hop music charts, but I think it will resonate with some readers on the hip-lumbar charts. It all started one morning at breakfast when my wife said: “My back is killing me.” Being a sympathetic guy, I suggested she call the police and report a sacroiliac […]
“Pass the salt, willya?” “I swear if you keep using that much salt, you won’t live to see 130,” my wife told me. “I hope you’re wrong. I want to see the great-great grandkids graduate.” I cleared my throat. “Oh no, you’re not going to sing again are you?” I strummed my air guitar. “Imagine […]
Except for the overly loud, vapor-spewing Southwest jets, flying-lesson prop planes doing multiple touch-and-goes, and that obnoxious Osprey that sounds like two helicopters in a weird sexual entanglement, it’s nice being close to Santa Barbara Airport. Even though we had a 6:23 am flight, we knew we could be at the airport in less than […]
There are days when the most exciting things my wife and I do are Wordle… “Got it in four.” Ha! I got it in three.” Well, just wait until tomorrow.” Dispense boxes of cereal into their new “ant-proof” plastic vaults… “Raisin Bran done.” “Check.” “Special K done.” “Check.” “Cheerios… ah, dang. Broom.” “Check.” And maybe […]
Watching the Paris Olympics has really inspired me, especially the swimming and diving events. “O-M-G! Are you wearing a Speedo?” my wife asked, a small hunk of baguette falling from the corner of her mouth. “Cool huh? Got it from the ‘Old Dudes Rule’ website. It’s a limited edition.” “Very limited. And, I hate to […]
I spend a lot of time alone in my office. It gives me time to contemplate the oddities of life. Like why my printer suddenly refused to print the workshop materials I needed to bring to the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. No matter how calmly I coaxed it – “You stupid #%&^#*^%#! I ought to […]
When I first moved to California, I met a bunch of friendly people my own age who lovingly indoctrinated me into local customs. “Welcome to Santa Barbara. Let’s do some shots. Now, lick the salt off your hand, down this tequila, suck a lime, and say ‘hootah.’” Gasp. “Hootah!” Gasp. Turns out, these ancient local […]
That surely can’t be it I thought, as we walked across the tarmac toward a Volkswagen Beetle on skis with a long purple tail and a spinning propeller on top! Oh, and NO doors! I looked at Pat. She was zipping up her sweatshirt and adjusting the flotation device strapped around her waist… “We will […]
Many times in life I have gone virtually unnoticed. Not only could I stay safely under the radar, I could have set up camp inside a radar dish and only gotten spotted when I fired up my charcoal grill. “O. M. G. There’s a flaming meteor about to hit earth… ah crap, never mind it’s […]
This year, X-mas, formerly known as Twitter-mas, is “almost” failure-proof for me. How is that possible you readers of my Christmases past, want to know? Simple, three wise men (actually, it was my stepdaughter, Christy) proclaimed that the only gift required this year is one white elephant gift! For those of you unfamiliar with the […]
The driverless Metro flew into the station and stopped on a euro. The doors opened. There were so many Parisians crammed into the front car, I thought it might have been an AI-generated crowd image. Trois got off. Dix got on. Including moi. Yeah! But not my wife. Oh-oh! She mouthed, “See you at Saint-Sulpice.” […]
After my first date with an attractive young woman named Pat, she told a friend that she’d never met a guy who talked as much as I did! My strategy was to regale her with as many stories about myself as I could think of in hopes that something I said was clever and endearing. […]
“Wow, what a view, huh?” my wife said. “Nice,” I said, leaning against the wall as far away from the tall glass panels that slanted outward at a disturbing angle and had a gap on either side large enough to put your arm through. A family walked by, a little kid climbed up onto the […]
I was at my computer looking at one of the local online news services when I spotted an exciting headline. “There’s no construction scheduled on Hollister Ave. today,” I yelled to my wife. Pat ran into the kitchen and grabbed the car keys. “To the waterfront for lunch and ice cream,” she said in a […]
It finally arrived! Freighter delays, they said. Lack of experienced labor. Cost overruns. Sound familiar? But a giant truck pulled up in front of our condo today and delivered my IKEA easy-to-assemble, all-parts-included, fully-illustrated-plans-provided… ark. That’s right! I’m going to save the world from the great flood! Or, at least a few hundred people from […]
There are several things I dread hearing when I’m on a docent-led excursion. “If anyone here is acrophobic, you may want to reconsider today’s steep hike up Mountain Goat Trail.” Or… “If anyone here is aquaphobic, you may want to skip the kayak experience down ‘Devil’s Muse Rapids.’” But I wasn’t worried today. We were […]
Seems like there was always a guy in Dam Square in front of the Royal Palace with a microphone. In our three days in Amsterdam, we had watched a group of protesters freely protesting their lack of protesting rights. A drunken magician, who spent more time cursing out the crowd than actually performing tricks. And […]
It was raining now and blustery. The temperature, which had been hovering around nippy, was heading toward less romantic sounding terms like “freezing my tuchus off.” “According to legend,” our guide was saying at a volume that came with weather-related experience, “the Rock originated in a high mountain located around 20 miles north of here […]
