I learned a lot of new terms when I moved to Santa Barbara in 1977. I got a job at a small medical manufacturing company on lower Chapala called Browne Corporation. (Thank you Larry and Sue Browne. I’m forever grateful for taking a chance a on a long-haired bumpkin from New Hampshire who said things […]
There are some words a husband never wants to hear his wife say, like: “I’ve decided we should go vegan. Here is your lettuce-wrapped mushroom burger and beet fries.” Or: “Why is there a charge on this credit card from the Spearmint Rhino?” Or, worse, “I think it’s time to clean out the garage again.” […]
Occasionally, I find myself in a position that seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight could have used a bit more forethought. For some reason these positions often involve water. Like the time I decided to jump off a roof and into Lake Winnipesaukee at Weirs Beach in Laconia, New Hampshire […]
I love a good excuse. “Why can’t you go to the store?” “Be-cause-ah, dear, my bad front tire could blow and sound like a gunshot. Then the police would show up and I could get arrested for creating a disturbance and be put in a damp jail cell where I could catch pneumonia and die.” […]
Brunhilda did not like our diversion, “Make a u-turn, Dummkopf!! A u-turn.” German GPS units can be quite touchy. We were on our way to Linderhof in the Bavarian countryside to see one of King Ludwig II’s many palaces. Ludwig was known as der Märchenkönig – the Fairy Tale King. He also held the titles […]
“Pretty sure I’m never going to get there, but if I do, I think this is what heaven will be like.” I looked over at my wife. She was shading her eyes and squinting. “Amen,” she said. We woke to streaming sun in our Hamburg, Germany, exchange home. Because it was mid-July and we were […]
Every now and then (daily), a little voice in my head says: “Oh-oh, dude…” This time we were on the Shinkansen, the 200-mile-per-hour Japanese bullet train that is so smooth you could probably give yourself an intricate tattoo without risk of injury. “Ow!” “What are you doing?” Pat asked. I pulled the tip of the […]
“Are you chewing gum?!” Pat asked. “Hai!” I said, using one of the many (three) Japanese words I knew. We were standing next to The Great Buddha of Kamakura “Daibutsu”, the largest outdoor Buddha in Japan. Built in 1252, the 44-foot-tall, 121-ton seated Buddha draws more tourists than the world’s largest ball of saved wire […]
I’m not sure how my bonsai trees talked me into it, but recently I spent $12.49 on something called Fish & Poop. Manufactured in Fresno, the city famous for its tasty raisins, Fish & Poop is listed as “a blend of fish-based nutrients and guano which forms a synergistic matrix that develops a cohesive partnership […]
“Have you seen my glasses?” “Unbelievable. You’re always losing them!” It’s true. I have three pair and some days I can’t find any of them. “Here they are,” Pat said, returning from the back patio. “Those are my reading glasses. I need my distance glasses if I have to go… I mean, because I want […]
I love kids. And fortunately, they seem to like me okay, too. Which is good, because between my wife, Pat and I, we have five children, four grandchildren and one granddog that I love teaching new tricks. “Roll over, no? Sit, no? Shake, no? How about lay there like a lump? Yeah!” And now, I […]
I love my wife more than I love football. I just want to make that perfectly clear. I also love the family more than I love football. Another point you need to understand. Finally, I love family events, such as birthday parties, specifically my wife Pat‘s birthday party, more than I love football. That almost […]
“Hi, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “How do you say, ‘My name is Ernie…?’” “I don’t. My name is Siri.” “You didn’t let me finish, Siri.” “What can I help you with?” “I need to know how to say my name…” “I found this website with names.” “…In Japanese. We are going to […]
“There’s no… air… gasp…” “I think… I’m too dizzy… to drive…” “Lucky… we are… parked then…” We were 11,796 feet up at Alpine Visitors Center on Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park, watching a line of people waiting zombie-like to use the outhouses – the water in the real bathrooms already shut off […]