Zoom-Piddie-Doo-Dah, Zoom-Piddie-Day

By Ernie Witham   |   June 11, 2020

Every day millions of people are going to Zoom meetings, classes, get-togethers, sing-a-longs, and various other Zoom-capades. While a convenient way to congregate virtually, not everyone is as… ah… technically astute… which can make it… challenging.

Welcome to today’s Zoom class everyone. It appears we are missing a few attendees. Let’s see, supposed to be 50 and we have… 6. Excuse me, I have a call…

Simply click on the link I sent you, Stan… in your email… with the meeting ID number.       15 minutes ago… from me… no, I’m afraid I can’t come over there to help. Aren’t there any teenagers in your neighborhood?

What’s that, Regina? You can’t hear very well? Just turn up your speaker. No! Not the stereo speaker. You are now blasting everyone with… is that Engelbert Humperdinck? Really? All his records, huh? Wow.

Oh good! I see two more people have connected. Actually, one person and what looks like a bear?… Oh, it’s you Irving. Could you please, ah, put a shirt on? Or shave your chest? Thank you.

Nice to see a few smiling faces… Oops, please lower your screen, Zelda. All we can see is your forehead and what looks like a chandelier from the 1940s. The Botox injection sites on your forehead are clearing up nicely though. And, Ralphie, you are sitting a little too close and you have something in your nose.

Yes William? No. You do not need to show me the invite. Please do not hit the “share screen” button! Shoot. Too late. Wow, you have a lot of stuff open. Yes, we can all see your desktop, William. Or should I call you by your Match.com name, Big Willie?

We’ll be starting in just a few minutes, I hope. Whoops, another call… Hello again Stan… What? You asked some guy in an unmarked van who was driving slowly through your neighborhood to come in and help you and he stole your computer? So sorry. Maybe you can connect on your phone? Oh, it’s a landline? Shaped like a banana? No, I don’t know why the thief didn’t steal that, too. Just lucky, I guess. You should probably take a moment and call the police, though. No. Please do not come over to my house to Zoom with me.

Here are a few more people. Welcome Reggie. First contact with another human this month? I’m flattered. For next month, though, you may want to shower. Or at least wash your hair.

Hi Lucille. What? No, we really don’t need to meet all your cats… Okay, everyone say hello to Figaro. And Simba. And Tigger. And Ambrose. And Mittens. Are those Mitten’s kittens? Yes, we all think it’s great that you are using organic kitty litter. Might want to get a box, though, instead of just using your kitchen table.

Well, we are still a few minutes from starting, but I guess I could introduce our special guest today, whose subject is “How to make some quick money in today’s real estate market.” Please welcome Tom Schemer who is Zooming all the way from… is that a jail cell? No, the lighting is fine, but the stripes on your shirt are causing a bit of a flicker. Oh sure, mistaken identity happens all the time. Not to worry. We are a little behind though Tom, please don’t go anywhere. Oh, ah, sorry.

Great, here are a few more attendees. Wait? Who are you two? No. Sorry. This is not the “Yoga in your chair” Zoom class. Goodbye.

Excuse me. Someone is at the front door. Stan. What a surprise. I’m really not supposed to let anyone in to my house. You know, social distancing and all. I see you have a mask. Yes, I see that it says Calvin Klein. I think I can guess what you made it out of. Please sit as far away as possible and no I don’t really want any Blazing Hot Pork Rinds. Or beer. I have a meeting to conduct… Ah dang.

Sorry folks. Apparently, Tom Schemer has been taken away for his arraignment. Guess we’ll have to do this another time.

What’s that Stan? Oh, it’s down the hallway, second door on the left. Let yourself out afterward will ya? I’m going to lay down for a while. A long while.

 

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