The Mother of All Days

“How was your Mother’s Day?” I asked a dear friend.

“My kids slept until noon. Then woke up and TEXTED me if I could make them breakfast.”

“How was your Mother’s Day?” I asked a client.

“My daughter texted me a picture of her dirty laundry pile and asked if I could do it before school tomorrow.”

“How was your Mother’s Day?” I asked my lovely, kind, and amazing hair stylist/friend.

“We surprised my mother-in-law and my mom by driving up north and taking them out. I reminded my husband to go pick up flowers for his mom. And he did. But came back without any for me.” We laughed. But it wasn’t entirely funny. Not all the moms I asked had disappointing displays of appreciation, but there were enough to bring my prior ruminating over this special day to the surface.

*My husband is very thoughtful and kind and after 28 years of marriage, he still thinks of us all before he thinks of himself, so I am excluding him from the generalizations I make in this piece and including this caveat before I begin my rant.

Before I had our son, there was a ten-year period where I wasn’t a mother, and I didn’t have one either, so it was my least favorite day of the year. It was a stark reminder of the loss we suffered earlier in our marriage, and of the premature death of my own Mom. For me, I am sure this is another layer behind my reverence for this day.

So, when I became a Mom with a capital M, it was a daily reason to celebrate. And ever since, Mother’s Day remains one of my favorite days of the year, along with my children’s birthdays. I love that we are all together. I love the homemade cards the most, and the sentiments that are shared in them as their writing and ability for expression have developed over the years. I love that we take photos without anyone grumbling. I love that we all go eat somewhere fun, usually at the beach and super casual. I don’t want fancy or expensive. Just good food we can eat together. 

My first Mother’s Day we had dear friends up from L.A. to stay for the weekend. Their baby was a few weeks younger than ours, so we were all sleep-deprived, but glowing with happiness. On Sunday morning, I woke up and the husband who was visiting, (I will call him Dana, because that is his name) asked me if I would make everyone pancakes because I am “such a good cook.” Wow. Not joking. His wife looked at him like he just grew a second head and for a moment I thought she was going to clock him in the face. Needless to say, my spatula prowess was not on display that morning but for about a minute I did consider using it as a weapon.

Being a mother certainly isn’t the only path to fulfillment, but for me, it is my favorite title and biggest pleasure and honor. (Full disclosure, some days I do feel like I am having a nervous breakdown and want to run away screaming, but most days, it is the honor/pleasure/joy of my life.) But for those of us who are moms, we understand the millions of silent, invisible acts of love that we perform each and every day. There was a profound moment in the Apple series, An Imperfect Woman where Elisabeth Moss’ character is separated from her children, and she tearfully shares with her friend that every day she washes one whole apple for one daughter, and cuts another one up into pieces for the other. Her husband doesn’t know she does that each day, and she is worried about her children still feeling “safe” when that routine is broken. It was telling on so many levels and obviously reflective of some deeper issues, but the apples were a beautiful illustration of The Invisible Acts of Love, which is what I have been ruminating over lately.

That is what we do as moms a thousand times a day and why Mother’s Day means so much to so many. Comedians do bits on how not to screw it up and social media blows up with memes about the dos and don’ts. It’s a thing. 

But where did Mother’s Day originate? I needed to know.

According to The Smithsonian American Women’s History Museum, the origins of Mother’s Day are as complex as mothers themselves, “Mother’s Day in the United States has a history all its own – and it’s more complicated than greeting cards might lead you to believe. There were repeated efforts to establish a Mother’s Day holiday and conflicting ideas about what it should stand for and how it should be observed. From a call for women to improve global policymaking and seek peace, to a day to honor women’s work and role in the family, the history of the holiday reveals multiple insights into how mothers shape the world.”

On some levels, the holiday appears to be nothing more than a gratuitous and overly manufactured reason to sell greeting cards and inflate the price of flowers. But mothers have played a pivotal role since the dawn of time. Not to diminish the role of fathers, or allowing for mothers who weren’t present (or who were, but perhaps shouldn’t have been), this piece is just focusing on mothers and the role they play and why they should be celebrated every day, but certainly on the second Sunday in May.

Mothers are often the emotional backbone of the family. They can help shape the very character and resilience of the humans in their charge. I asked one of my mom groups for some of the roles they play and here is a sampling of what they shared: we are cheerleaders, chefs, therapists, chauffeurs, advocates, seamstresses, pediatricians, mediators, quarterbacks, party planners, ATMs, lifelines, Emotional Warfare Negotiators, #1 Fans, dog walkers, personal shoppers, stylists, safe harbors, and frontal lobes. And those were just the highlights.

As our oldest is getting ready to graduate high school, perhaps this is all a bit raw, and a stark reminder that I just had my last Mother’s Day with him at home. But my own vulnerability aside, it doesn’t negate either the roles we play or the importance of celebrating them.

Mother’s Day is viewed differently around the world. Here, we have brunch and buy flowers. In Mexico, it is always on May 10 and families wake their mothers at dawn with a mariachi band. I would immediately put my children, or myself up for adoption.

In other countries they have multi-day feasts to honor both the living and the dead. Some use certain flowers as symbols of motherhood. Others create and award medals to their matriarchs. Some are carried through villages on pallets of flowers.

So next year, remember the mothers around you. Whether you have one, or are one, you certainly know one. Take a minute to acknowledge what that means. And say thank you. Trust me, that goes a long way.

And by the way, my Mother’s Day was absolutely lovely. Thank you for asking.