The Empty Room: Navigating Your Grief When Your Child Leaves for College

The past 12 months felt heavy with our son’s upcoming departure for university. The marathon of applications, studying, testing and waiting finally gave way to victories; getting into a college he loved, Prom, Graduation, and senior trips. Then, the final days of summer arrived. And while he will always have a home here, my daughter captured the shift perfectly a few days before he left, “It will never be the same as it is now.”

Truer words were never spoken. Nobody can really prepare you for how hard it is. Or the stray thoughts that keep popping into my head: For the first time since he was born, he won’t be with us on his birthday – or any of our birthdays. Do I still do the Advent Calendar for both of them even though he won’t be here until the third week of December? You know, the important stuff.

And, anticipating the change did not soften the blow. Living the real goodbye felt completely different than imagining it. Maybe because we were so busy leading up to the move.

The exhausting logistics of packing and traveling culminated in a tearful, sloppy goodbye. My husband, deep in his own sorrow, tried applying logic and intellect in the moments that followed. But there is no logic. I cried buying eggs the day after we got home. And in the week leading up to the move, I was hell on wheels. Moody, crabby, sad, angry, bratty, emotional. Repeat.

This sudden heartbreak is a form of grieving, which like all grief can sneak up on you at the most inopportune times. Family therapist Dr. Pauline Boss coined a term for this in the 1970s: ambiguous loss. It describes a specific grief where a loved one is physically absent yet still psychologically present. Dr. Boss argues that we do not need “closure” for relationships that change; instead, we must learn to live with the transition. This type of loss can often refer to an estranged family member, or a loved one with dementia, if a parent moves out after a divorce, or the uncertainty of a family member’s whereabouts. But the idea remains the same. They are still with us, just not here.

Living with it requires rewiring the “Parent Brain.” For 18 years, I was programmed to know his exact whereabouts. That instinct does not simply switch off. Even though he was rarely home those last few months, the house now feels quieter, filled with an unsettling calm that I can’t get used to and do not like one bit. The dogs feel the change, too. And just last night, while ordering pizza for my daughter and her friends, my first instinct was to ask Ian if he wanted chicken wings.

It took nearly two decades to build these neural pathways; they will not vanish in a week. So, how do we navigate the transition?

Like all grief, it begins with allowing yourself to feel it in the first place. After that, here are a few tips to get your started:

1. First of all, acknowledge how your role is different now. While your college-aged baby will always need you, the way they need you has officially changed. You don’t need to have as much of a day-to-day management role. This is a growth period for both you and your child. Both of you are learning how to navigate your new roles.

2. Find some fun ways to fill the extra time. As there will be extra time. Rediscover an old hobby or start up a new one. Start a journal. Do some volunteer work. The key is knowing that you have a bunch of energy and time that you now need a home for. 

3. Avoid the temptation to immediately make changes to their room. This will help ease the emotional adjustment period. (Full disclosure, I did a deep clean and a massive organization of his room already, but am holding off on redoing his bathroom for a bit.) Part of this journey is also keeping their room their room. They need to know that even though their life is completely different right now, some things will stay the same – that is their home base, physically and emotionally. And it is yours as well. Too many changes at once can make it hard to remain emotionally regulated.

4. Nurture your relationship with your partner if you have one and reach out to friends. Many might be in the same place as you and there is definitely strength in numbers. Most importantly, let them know when you need help. 

5. Lastly (and this is a big one); You are transitioning from being a 24/7 manager to an on-call consultant. Frame this next chapter as personal growth for you, not just them. Find some breathing room in this new identity. Think about what might be possible now that wasn’t before.

For now, each day stings a bit less. And while I haven’t cried in the grocery aisle for a few days, I am not making any promises just yet. I find comfort knowing he is happy and finding his own way and I am trying my best to accept this new reality and be a mature adult. 

But fair warning: If one more person waxes on about “roots and wings,” I cannot be held accountable for my actions.