My Starbucks Name Is Katie: Leaning in to life’s frustrations

My parents’ favorite pastime was arguing with each other. The earliest indicator of this was my name. My Dad wanted to call me Deanna and my mom wanted to call me Diane, or some version of that truth. Hence, Deann with no “e” at the end. Or Dean with two ‘n’s. “Dean, party of 2.” “May I speak to Dean Zampenelli?” Why people also need to add another syllable to my otherwise normal last name I have never figured out. It happens. And in the grand scheme of life’s complexities, it isn’t a beef I am going to die on (I know the expression is hill but I have two teenagers, so please indulge me).

However, around five years ago I was in Mammoth with my kids and the guy at the coffee place took my order. He asked me for my name, and just to shake things up, I gave him my family’s nickname for me: DeeDee. I smugly paid for my overpriced half caff soy latte with cinnamon and went to wait with the other undercaffeinated early risers.

“Katie?” they called out a few minutes later. “Katie?” Half caff soy latte with cinnamon powder?” The odds of there being two such ridiculously high maintenance orders seemed somewhat unlikely, so I rolled with it. “Yes, I’m Katie,” I sheepishly replied, feeling simultaneously shady and victorious at adopting a new name so suddenly. Would I feel different being Katie? Does Katie wear brighter lipstick or have a whimsical phone case?

Hence, the adoption of my Starbucks name, which I now use for any reservation. The only problem is, I sometimes forget. My mobile app still says Dean with two ‘n’s. So, when I go to ask for my order, I sometimes say Katie and when the order for Dean with two ‘n’s arrives I look like a demented coffee stealer. 

But I am learning to not only just deal with it, but to lean into the annoyances of life. It is a combo platter of acceptance, perspective, and tolerance. I am realizing, for example, that more people talk on the speakerphone in public than not. I am the one with the problem for finding it rude. And my Starbucks name has now become a funny joke with my friends. Having a Starbucks alter ego is all the rage it seems.

If you are overreacting in rage to minor frustrations, reevaluate your current situation and priorities. Everyone becomes fed up with something, but a psychologically healthy person deals with it.

According to Psychology Today, “Radical Acceptance” is accepting a situation as it is without fighting it or approving of it. It just becomes what it is. A reality you need to deal with. 

Being called the wrong name is a trivial example of this but can nonetheless become a daily annoyance. Think of how many times each day people say your name. I have always told our kids that you can’t control what other people do, but you can control how you respond to it. This is how we direct our own path. This is how we direct the narrative. 

Think about it this way. If you are out in the world and someone steals the parking space you are waiting for you can either get pissed off and have an altercation with them OR you can give them your best “I am really disappointed in you” face and get on with your day. Scenario one has your stress hormones surging, which will take around an hour to regulate depending how stressful your body has perceived the threat to be or, you can just carry on as the more evolved being that you are.

Daily stressors, or “micro-stressors” can be bad for our health. Especially if they are chronic. Like people saying your name wrong each and every day. 

Psychology Today goes on to say, “Any minor irritant can push someone over the edge. Many presenting problems in therapy are petty annoyances that most everyone experiences. Treatment involves realizing this fact and how to better cope. A minor irritation, a ‘petty annoyance,’ can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back under chronic stress.

If you are overreacting in rage to minor frustrations, reevaluate your current situation and priorities. Everyone becomes fed up with something, but a psychologically healthy person deals with it. Minor setbacks and petty resentments can breed resentments, impairing mental health.”

The idea is that by dealing with the day-to-day stressors (the parking spot, the late kid, the smelly co-worker), we avoid the big bang that can occur when we bottle these frustrations up. Here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Always a good standby – pause, breathe, evaluate. Before you react or shove down your feelings take a beat to pause, enjoy a few deep breaths and give your frustration a container while you evaluate it. This way it won’t seep into the rest of your day, your life, your psyche. Think about the level of importance it carries. About what might have motivated this to occur-engage your empathy. 

2. Practice your own version of Radical Acceptance. By admitting to yourself that life can be full of little annoyances, it prepares you for the next time. You won’t be as surprised or thrown off. “Oh, here we go again” you might say to yourself after your parking space was just snaked by a lime green Tesla.

3. Create a little mantra for yourself. It gives you an immediate tool to pick up before you go postal. Some examples might be: “It’s just life.” “Yes, people can suck, but they can also be amazing.” Or “You are fine. You are safe. It’s ok to be annoyed, but don’t let it take over and win.” Those kind of things.

4. Remind yourself that most of the time, this isn’t about you. If you accept that people can be oblivious or tone deaf or downright rude, you can often start to see things from other people’s perspective. In the moment, this realization can take the sting out. It doesn’t mean that we don’t do things in life that might provoke others’ actions, it just validates what you already know; most of the time, very little is about us.

In the meantime, have some fun with it. You never know what might happen. 

It turns out Katie likes to wear hats. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she might sometimes take the wrong drink and is therefore incognito.

If she does, please forgive her. It isn’t you. It’s totally her.