Rumor Has It… The Ancient Art of Gossip

Last week I overheard a teenage girl talking with some friends. No, not talking. Gossiping. It was full of vitriol and intimate details about other teens and adults as well. She was spewing information left and right. Information that could ruin lives. It was disturbing and mean and made even more so by the fact that I had known her since she was quite small. I was shocked and saddened to hear how purposeless it was. For about a minute I was tempted to let on that I was just on the other side of the wall from her but ultimately decided against embarrassing her in front of others.

But it did get me thinking. 

Why do we gossip? A teenager might feel powerful during a stage of life that can often feel anything but, to lord this information over their peers; to be the holder of such “knowledge” and feel that they had the power to make or break lives by sharing it. Gossip can also make the sharer feel more in control of a social situation that normally triggers anxiety.

But teenagers aren’t the only culprits of this age-old practice. 

According to Scientific American (September 6, 2024), “It’s estimated that more than 90% of people in workplaces in the U.S. and Western Europe indulge in such banter – defined as talking about someone not present.” 

Sociologists have studied the practice of gossip for years. It is a way for us to make sense of our social dynamics, to find out how we are perceived by others, and to determine the social hierarchy of our circle. Most of this is done unconsciously, but the key seems to be in asking what the intention behind the sharing of information might be. Is it to educate? Is it to get advice from a trusted advisor? Or is it just malicious?

With the advent of social media, much of our screen life is gossip. Truly, isn’t that what we are all doing, watching others, and talking about them? 

But before you get your gavel out, there might be some benefits to being around these busybodies. According to researchers at the University of Maryland and Stanford, “Gossiping – defined as the exchange of personal information about absent third parties – can provide a ‘social benefit,’ according to the researchers. Their study revealed that gossip is good at disseminating information about people’s reputations, which can help recipients of these tips connect with cooperative people while avoiding selfish ones.

“When people are interested in knowing if someone is a good person to interact with, if they can get information from gossiping – assuming the information is honest – that can be a very useful thing to have,” said study co-author Dana Nau, a retired professor in UMD’s Department of Computer Science and Institute for Systems Research. Previous research had showed that the average person spends at least an hour a day talking about others, giving merit to the research topic. 

Gossip itself involves a three-point social triangle, the gossiper, the receiver, and the target. Two of these points are complicit as the gossiper needs an audience, right? The victim is the only unwilling participant in this network. So, what are you to do if someone starts gossiping and you would rather not participate? Because trust me, even if you are an unwilling receiver, once you hear the shared 411, you are inherently complicit. Your name will be shared as being part of the dialogue, “Well, I was talking to so and so about it, and she didn’t seem surprised.” And that’s how it starts. Now you are a part of the story. I learned this the hard way, but as I have gotten older, I no longer have a problem drawing the line or shutting down a conversation that seems to be going in a toxic direction. 

I simply ask if there is a reason I need to know this. Is this important information for me to be aware of? Does it affect my safety or the safety of someone I care about? Are they needing my advice because I am close to the situation? If the answer is no, I just share that I long ago stopped being the Keeper of Secrets and respectfully ask that they not tell me anything further. If they don’t get it or are offended, then the chances are pretty high that they aren’t someone I am interested in remaining close to anyway. Also worth reminding yourself; if a friend is talking about someone else this way, they could just as easily be talking about you.

Just for fun, ask yourself how much time you personally spend in a day talking about others. Then, when you find yourself doing it, ask yourself why. Is there a purpose to it? Are you sharing a funny story with your partner or are you just being mean? We all do it. Inadvertently talking smack. It happens. We are human. But check in with yourself to see how you physically feel after doing so. Most people do not feel physically well or happy after saying or doing something that is unkind. You know how you feel better when you smile or do something altruistic? Well, the flip side of that coin is just as true. 

In an age where everyone seems so concerned about decluttering, detoxifying, not drinking, eating clean, isn’t it time we tried an emotional detox? And gossiping seems like a great place to start.

In the meantime, remember what Mom used to say. If you can’t say anything nice…