What’s For Dinnnnnerrrrr? The Soul Crushing Reality of Monotony

A round 15 years ago I made a new friend. At the time, she was in her 70s and proudly declared that she didn’t cook anymore. She and her husband ate out or ordered in most nights and if her adult children came over, they could cook if they had the inclination. At the time, my children were small, and I remember thinking it a bit odd to just suddenly decide “not to cook” anymore, but more power to her for holding her ground.

A decade and a half later, I get it. I really get it. 

But here’s the kicker; I truly don’t mind cooking, sometimes I even enjoy it. And I LOVE baking. But night after night, to accommodate four different humans and their disparate palates can be somewhat challenging. When they were small it was difficult in the expected ways; the finicky eater, the easy-going eater who wasn’t always hungry at mealtimes, the ever-changing likes and dislikes, you get the idea. Now everyone has their own schedules and eating plans. Hell, my son who is almost 18 probably eats six full meals plus snacks every day. I can’t keep up.

I just don’t have the bandwidth. I don’t care what’s for dinner. Truly. I shop for the food, I cook the food and if they don’t like it, they can make some eggs. Just. Don’t. Care. It has almost become a pathology. I can’t think of dinner. I get stressed as dinner time approaches. If I could obliterate the word dinner, I would. Really. 

Why is that? I wondered. What happened to the women who 28 years ago voluntarily, cheerfully even, took on the role of chef?

Monotony. That’s what happened. 

mo·not·o·ny: “The lack of variety and interest; tedious repetition and routine.”

If you are one of those passionate chefs who finds inspiration at the cutting board every night, good for you. But before you get your silicone baking mitts in a twist, hear me out.

Monotony isn’t just the dread of making three squares a day. It can become a maladaptive pattern that creeps into everyday life, and aside from it being annoying, it can also be truly unhealthy. 

Low levels of boredom are good for us, in that they motivate the brain to find new outlets of stimulation. On the other hand, according to the NIH (The National Institute of Health, 2023), chronic boredom (which can happen with extended monotony), “…can disrupt motivation, reduce pleasure, and interfere with goal-directed behavior, which can contribute to the development of depressive symptoms.” 

The reason for this is that monotony can lead to burnout. And while burnout is often associated with doing too much, the boredom that can arise from repetitive or under-stimulating tasks can create a similar stress response. Psychology Today found that, “It turns out that boredom and burnout are correlated. We see burnout as the result of doing too much and boredom as the result of doing too little. In fact, neither state is related to quantity of activities so much as what we’re doing. Boredom stems from uniform, repetitive tasks. No matter how many emails we have to answer, we’ll be bored if all of our tasks feel similar.”

Hence, the soul crushing monotony of DINNER. This is where it gets interesting. According to the American Psychological Association (the APA), employees engaging in repetitive work report higher levels of engagement and of mental and physical well-being if they also feel appreciated for the work they do. So, just to pull a random example out of the air, if you are making dinner, and the recipients of your blood, sweat and tears jump for joy and eat every bite of the bounty you have lovingly prepared – there is a good chance you won’t throw yourself overboard after doing it for decades. BUT: If you are using valuable, emotional real estate on said task and are receiving lukewarm entitlement in its stead… I can’t promise anything. 

What I realized in my work as a health coach is that part of this Dinner Depression is due to decision fatigue. I always advise my clients to do their grocery shopping as early in the day as possible. By the end of each day, we have made approximately 30,000 decisions. Either consciously or unconsciously, our minds are constantly deciding which way to turn, which socks to wear, what show to binge, where to go on vacation, WHAT TO MAKE FOR DINNER. And the list goes on. If you go to the store in the morning, you are more likely to stick to your grocery list and get the ingredients for your healthy meal plan. The same principles apply to making dinner every night. Decision Fatigue. The struggle is real. What to make, where to buy the ingredients, what time to start cooking, what time to eat, where is everyone, who liked or didn’t like which dish last time. AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

My solution is simple, but orchestrating it might be less so. If possible, have one member of your household be responsible for dinner at least one night of the week. Depending on their age and capabilities the level of responsibility will vary, but here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. If you have little ones, have them suggest a dish or two and research simple recipes.

2. Tell your family member(s) what you have in the fridge that needs to be cooked and to come up with some suggestions on how to use it. My sister did this with her granddaughters and they made it like an episode of Chopped. The girls are only 6 and 8 and loved it.

3. Even if the other family members are responsible for ordering take out, it is on them. Not you. If they can drive, they have to pick it up and come home and set the table and do the dishes. Start to finish – it’s on them.

4. Make one night of the week a designated theme like Taco Tuesdays and rotate who takes it, make it a challenge as to who can make the best salsa or the best twist on an old standby.

5. Have one night of the week be buffet or “bar style” so the actual cooking is minimal; salad bar, tostado bar, baked potato bar, etc.

In the meantime, take a breath, do your best, and Bon Appetit.