The Connection Between Over-Giving and Disease; Are you The Giving Tree?

When my kids were very young, an old friend of mine gave us the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. The book is a classic and can be found on most bookshelves of anyone with children, and often on those without. 

The story is about the relationship between a boy and a tree. They grow up together. The boy eats and sells the tree’s apples, naps in its shade, and as the boy grows, so do his needs. When the apples are gone, the tree offers the boy his branches, so he can build a house. When the branches are gone, the tree willingly gives his trunk so that the boy can build a boat and sail away. Do you see where I am going here?

Eventually, the tree is abandoned for so long that when the boy next comes to visit, he is an old man. Even then, the tree offers himself up as a seat. “I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry…,” When he realizes his old friend just needs a place to rest he says, “Well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.”

I think I might be one of the only people on planet Earth who found this book to be incredibly sad and depressing. I felt bad for the tree and really did not like the boy-man. But even when it had been relegated to nothing but a stump, the tree still offered everything it had. It just wanted the boy to be happy and to love him.

The tree was an overgiver. 

What is an overgiver? According to Psychology Today’s article, “People Who Give Too Much”(August 2023), “People who are overly altruistic to others have many labels. Toxic generosity, irrational generosity, pathological altruism, over-giving, and people-pleasing are a few of these.

“Such people go beyond being generous givers and become excessive in their giving to others. Altruism is deeply rooted in Western cultures. But it also has a dark side.” 

Overgivers frequently put others before themselves, to a fault. They can take on the work of two to three people or more. They are the first to volunteer. They rarely say no and have difficulty accepting help from others. And this leads to exhaustion, and when our body is depleted, it is an easy segue to disease, sleep disorders, and even substance abuse. 

The key difference between being an overgiver and being genuinely altruistic, is the motivation behind the behavior. Overgivers have a deeper and often complicated psychological motivation. These are as individual as the person themself, but often have common themes such as: proving your self-worth by excessively helping others, masking early trauma through control (aka “I will fix everyone else because I can’t fix myself”), or the unconscious belief that if you give so much to others they will love you – in spite of how “damaged” you might be.

And while the empirical data on the connection between overgiving and disease isn’t mainstream, the reason it gets traction is through correlation, not necessarily causation. Meaning that your overgiving itself isn’t causing disease. But when we overgive, it depletes us. And true overgivers are often unfulfilled, exhausted, and overwhelmed which can increase our cortisol levels, which can lower our immune defenses (that is an oversimplification, but indulge me here) making us more vulnerable to illness and disease.

Psychology Today also goes on to discuss how to help dial back this destructive cycle. The first step they share is the same as with addiction: You must first acknowledge that you have a problem. By recognizing it, you can start seeing it for what it is and understanding what the motivation of your behavior might be. Depending on the seriousness of your situation, you might want to seek the support of a mental health professional. 

Another helpful tip is to ask yourself what your motivation is before you help. For example, if a friend breaks her arm and you are the first to start a “Food Train” to bring her family meals every day, are you hoping to earn her loyalty, her love, or rise up the friend hierarchy? Or, are you recognizing that one of your people might need a hand. No pun intended there. While the behavior is the same, helping a friend in need, the motivation behind it, will help you understand if you are indeed an overgiver.

This is a much larger issue than space will allow, but after working over the last decade both as an Associate Therapist for low-income seniors to now with women who have breast cancer, the parallels are staggering: the cycle of overgiving leading to depletion and disease.

We need to give. We need to support one another. But like the clichéd self-help analogy – if you don’t take care of yourself first, you will be no good to those around you. 

So buckle up, put your face mask on, and make sure it is firmly in place before attempting to help others.