Separate But Equal: The Rising Trend of Separate Bedrooms

Recently I was watching a clip from Chicken Shop Date which, if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend for an occasional fix of content junk food. The host, Amelia Dimoldenberg, was talking with the actor Andrew Garfield about relationships – when they began to muse over the “hilarious” notion of sharing a bed with someone for the next 50 years. Neither of them was in a relationship, and both are under 40. From a different time. A different place. An emotional space where nothing is assumed; sexual preference, gender, consent, showing up on time to work and apparently, sharing a bed with a partner.

I felt like a social media anthropologist observing the behavior of these two celebrity Millenials/Gen Z-ers. How fascinating, I thought. They have redefined everything. Including sharing a bed with your romantic partner. How ridiculous, they agreed, that it is even a “thing.” And a big part of me found myself nodding along. And they aren’t the only ones. Many celebrities such as Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Victoria and David Beckham have publicly shared that when they designed their new homes, it was with separate bedrooms and a shared living space in between. 

As we get older, many of us experience sleep disruptions or certainly a change in our sleep patterns. Between insomnia, snoring (I don’t snore, I am just saying this as an example…) having to go to the bathroom (see above), racing thoughts, and dogs waking you up just to say hi, it is a thing. One person gets woken up by the other. It happens, a lot. So, I found myself wondering; have we, as humans, always shared a “marital” bed?

The answers are varied and seemed to take me on a research rollercoaster. Yes, our anthropological ancestors did sleep communally. But this wasn’t just because of societal norms and practicality (such as their living space was all shared) but also for protection and to keep warm. As civilization developed, a version of beds took form. Yet the ancient Egyptians are credited with creating the first raised beds to avoid various creepy crawlers on the floor. It wasn’t until the 1600s, however, that the very affluent began contemplating these kind of “sleep privacy” issues, and not until the 1800s is there evidence of actually having separate sleeping chambers. For most other social classes, it was more commonplace to share the marital bed, as they simply didn’t have the space to consider any other options. 

So where did this perception of mainstream separate beds come from? I remember watching I Love Lucy when I was growing up, Ricky and Lucy would don their matching pajamas, crawl into their respective twin beds, and say good night. This depiction, as it turns out, was less to do with mirroring the current trends and more to do with onscreen morality. The Hays Code, enforced on television from the 1930s to the 1960s, prohibited showing couples in the same bed, as it was considered too risqué for the viewer. Instead of media mimicking popular culture, popular culture began mimicking media. Is this what we are supposed to do? The truth, however, is more complicated. Some did follow this trend, but most still considered separate beds a sign of marital discord. 

Today, matching jammies aside, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, approximately 35% of Americans sleep in separate rooms on a regular basis. There is even a name for it; Sleep Divorce. Not exactly positive messaging. However, it seems that interpretation is mostly a western construct. Many cultures successfully have separate sleeping arrangements. The Japanese and Korean cultures for example, consider sleeping a private practice and find that having separate beds or rooms for sleeping leads to better quality sleep overall. 

And science is starting to agree. A recent study from the University of Michigan found that “sharing a bed can compromise sleep quality, potentially straining relationships.” And researchers at University of California, Berkeley found that “following a poor night’s sleep, couples will experience more fights.”

According to Neil Stanley, author of A Sleep Divorce: How to Sleep Apart, Not Fall Apart, “We’ve been conned by the idea we should sleep together if we’re in a relationship.”

For some, having separate beds, or separate rooms might create distance and a feeling of separateness while for others they can more easily separate the concept of intimacy with the application of sleep. 

Should “Sleep Divorce” perhaps be renamed “Sleep Honeymoon?” 

While it is not for everyone, and is a very personal decision, the implications on both sides of the fence are interesting to contemplate. 

But maybe you should sleep on it.