Divorce: Scarlet Letter, or Badge of Honor?

A few years ago, I ran into a couple that my husband and I knew from our “pre-kid” lives in Los Angeles. They were visiting Montecito and had ridden their bikes to the lower village to have lunch together. As they walked into the restaurant, their hands found one other, instinctively entwining by their sides. I remember thinking that they must have the secret. They went bike riding. They held hands. They were going to make it.

Less than a year later they announced to a stunned group of friends that they were separating.

Depending on what source you are referencing, the divorce rate in the United States ranges anywhere from 25-55%. However, according to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, four to five million people in the U.S. get married each year and of those, around 42-53% will end in divorce.

As the months flew by, we would occasionally see the couple (I will call them “Mike” and “Lauren”) at social gatherings down south. They arrived separately but always appeared to be amicable, and as being grown-ups for their children who were both over 20 at this point. Each time I would see either of them I was struck by how differently they have handled the split. The last time I saw Lauren was over a year ago. She seemed subdued, even depressed. In limbo or stagnant. Perhaps even slightly embarrassed by the unspoken tarnish of The Big D. My heart broke for her while knowing the last thing she would want is pity. And while we all felt terrible for her and even vilified him for a while, none of us actually did “pity” her as we knew she would get through it; she is a smart and polished New Yorker, a licensed (albeit inactive) engineer, is kind, financially secure, healthy, beautiful, and has a wonderful family and a strong network of support. There was no reason to suspect after another year she would still be struggling. Yet, here she was, trying to blend in with the wallpaper, to disappear.

In contrast, Mike was vivacious, energized, heaven forbid, even… happy? How dare he, my married-for-over-a-quarter-of-a-century, middle-aged self thought with shock and judgment. How can he be so disrespectful to the memory of what they shared for over 20 years? 

Of course, this wasn’t about him. He was just getting on with his life. This was about me, and all the other married women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond who could someday find themselves in the same position as Lauren. Why are we, as middle-aged heterosexual women, so often the ones who are viewed as not just “left,” but “left behind?” Is it the woman’s own feeling of abandonment, or just the perception of it?

What separates the survivors from
the thrivers?

Of course, each situation and person are different. I know quite a few recently divorced women who are much happier now than they had ever been in their marriage. Could it be because most of the women I am thinking of either initiated the divorce or were equally proactive in bringing it to fruition? 

Or perhaps is it because most have busy, active careers that they are passionate about? I can hear the outcries now – yes, there are many men who fare worse than their wives do either emotionally, financially, or even socially – but I am generalizing here so please either forgive or indulge me.

I remember being so shocked by statistics I read in The Atlantic’sMay 2016 article, “The Divorce Gap,” that a woman who was working before or during her marriage is likely to suffer a 20% decrease in salary following a divorce while a man’s is likely to rise as much as 30%. Seriously? Apparently, this correlates to divorced mothers rather than to divorced women as it relates to how much a woman will need to alter her working life to care for their families while the man often has more time to devote to his career now that he is single. Again, these statistics will vary greatly from person to person depending on cultural, economic, and environmental factors but nonetheless the “Divorce Gap” seems great indeed. Is this yet another reason for the apparent disparity in how each gender responds to a split?

Mike asked me recently why the women in their circle had seemingly turned against him. I explained in my most patient Mom-voice that he had to understand that he represented everything many middle-aged women secretly fear; that the end of a marriage for women at this stage of life is viewed as what it often is, an end (not to life, or to happiness, or a future – just to this part of our lives). While for him, a healthy man in his mid-50s, it could just be the beginning. Not to diminish the emotional pain he endured getting to this point, but he could very likely go on to marry again, even to have more children.

In fact, almost a quarter of all people in the U.S. who are currently married are on their second marriage or beyond. And, almost as many women as men marry again within five years after divorcing. So, there’s that.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that surviving versus thriving has a lot to do with how we define ourselves, and therefore, how others see us in turn.

If a woman gets divorced and she has a busy career, the divorce won’t necessarily be any less painful for her than it would be for someone who doesn’t. However, unlike a woman who gave up her career to raise a family and then finds herself divorced and possibly at loose ends, the woman with the career has another identity that still needs tending. She is expected at meetings, has people who rely on her, has research to do, papers to grade, or reports to write. Her day is busy and dynamic, needing her full attention. This part of her is still her. And still thriving. In contrast, for the woman who isn’t working, does she now have too much time on her hands thereby highlighting the missing other half?

Clearly, this will vary from person to person but among the divorced women I have spoken to in the last few months, the ones who emotionally fared the best had something to look forward to each day that didn’t change after the divorce; their job, volunteer work, caring for a dependent. A purpose. It seems the thrivers have a purpose each day that didn’t ever really involve their spouse. A daily structure like this can subtly reinforce self-esteem, regardless of whether you have a ring on your finger.

In the meantime, hold hands, take bike rides, embrace yourself and your loved ones… and thrive.